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:iconsomethingoncesacred: More from SomethingOnceSacred


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Literature by TheMoorMaiden

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Submitted on
October 20, 2012
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"Look," you said.

And I saw
The gap between the worlds,
One above, and one
Below the clouds.

The separation is slender,
But untouchable,
Uncrossable,
And even when I stand
At my highest point,
I can only ever hope
To receive
The slightest brush of water vapor.

Those below
Make the rain acidic
And then wonder why it burns them.

I have found a place higher
Than the tainted rain,
And yet,
I cannot reach the sun.

When you stood at
That peak beside me,
I watched
As you closed your eyes
And jumped
With such grace and faith;
I was almost startled
To see the ground rush up to meet you.

"Join me,"
You begged.
"The Earth is so beautiful from here."

For a moment,
I sought to be
As courageous as you were.
But, then,
I realized,
While I backed away from the edge,
That you were a misguided fool
To think you knew anything
Of the sky.
This was written perhaps a week ago now during the ebbing of a rather large thunderstorm.

I have a wonderful view of the clouds most times, and it was set just right so that it appeared as if the clouds were a separate world from our own. And I day-dreamed about trying to reach it, but not quite being able to.

It then occurred to me that it was such a shame that everyone located below the cloud cover did not have the chance to see such a thing.

It saddened me a great deal, to be honest.

--

-What do you think of while reading this piece?

-Is there a point in your life that you can relate to it?

-Do you have a favorite part?

-Least favorite part?









*SomethingOnceSacred
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:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i like this piece a lot (:
the imagery is quite beautiful. structurally speaking, i think that's my favorite part.

When you stood at
That peak beside me,
I watched
As you closed your eyes
And jumped
With such grace and faith;
I was almost startled
To see the ground rush up to meet you.


this is my favorite stanza bcos the wording is brilliant. i can almost see it happening as i read it through. this stanza offers a lovely image (:

what i found in this piece, however, was a hint of superiority complex...or even slight condescension, maybe. i'm not sure if it's the tone of the piece as a whole, or if it's coming from a few lines scattered throughout. it's not a strong tone, but--at least to me--is something that i couldn't shake until the very last stanza. i might just be reading this incorrectly, though ;;

i have to say that i like the flow of this piece. the final stanza, the stepping away from the unknown, was unexpected. it was the perfect ending (:
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:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, gosh. XD; Thank you so much, dear! I'm so glad you did. That makes me so happy I can even tell you.

And I always appreciate it when you share your thoughts like this. ^^ Absolutely makes my day. There is no better feeling in the world that for me.

No, no, it's entirely possible for it to be read that way. While that isn't exactly the way I had written it, there is no wrong way for someone to read it, I think. I love hearing the differences between perspectives like that.

And I can definitely see where you might take those 'condescending' figures and tones from it.

Thanks so much, love! :heart::heart: it really means a lot to be that you put so much thought into it XD
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:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Student Writer
I really liked the imagery in this, and I loved this stanza in particular:

Those below
Make the rain acidic
And then wonder why it burns them.


The first line acts as a great hook, and I like your narrative voice very much. :) Great work!
Reply
:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much, dear! I'm so glad you liked it. ^^

To be truthful with you, I was really sort of indecisive over the voice of this one, whether it'd be written in the third or first person, and I tried it both ways, and, shockingly, thought this one flowed better.

I normally don't do things that narrate in such a way, so I'm glad it seems to have gone over well!
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:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
You're very welcome. :)
Reply
:iconsentienttree:
sentienttree Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Student Writer
Absolutely lovely. Favorite part is 4th, 6th, and last two stanza, sorry I can't be more specific, but really the whole thing is very well done.
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:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, gosh XD;

Thank you, deary! I'm so glad you enjoyed it so much!
Reply
:iconcerealnovels:
cerealnovels Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012
Wow, very powerful!!!
Reply
:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much, dear! I'm glad you enjoyed it! ^^
Reply
:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really enjoyed this. In my view, although it's a poem about clouds and thunderstorms, it can actually relate to many different aspects of life. I mean,
Those below
Make the rain acidic
And then wonder why it burns them.
is actually very true for a lot of things. Doing something that you know will hurt you, but you do it anyway.

At first reading it, I didn't think it was that good, but it really is. It's beautiful. Thank you.
Reply
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